You

We have a weird relationship. You and I.

You’re not very likable at times. You know? But other times, I can’t praise you enough.

You are a little crazy. And you drive me crazy too with all the over thinking you do. These are the times I wish I could shut you off. But, I do realize that all this over thinking of yours is what prepares me for everything I’d ever have to face. And that’s when I want to thank you. And pamper you.

I also don’t like the fact that you doubt yourself sometimes and think you’re not worthy of the things you get. I hope you understand someday that nothing was given to you for free and you worked for those things to be there in your life.

I know you feel like it’s rare when you’re anybody’s first choice for anything. But I think I’ve told you enough that when people do make a choice to choose you, they don’t regret it one bit. And hopefully someday you’ll learn that your worth wasn’t based on people’s choices.

To be honest, even I doubt you sometimes. Sorry that I do. But I am grateful for the fact that you’ve learnt to rise beyond doubts and pull through everything like a little star.

You don’t cry a lot, do you? For the things that hurt you? I don’t know how you make it, but I admire how you deal with the times when you’re hurting.

Oh and also, I love how you don’t shy away from appreciating when you see something beautiful. And I hope you know you deserve the appreciation you get too.

I have to tell you though, you’re terrible at telling people how you feel. But I think it is pretty great how you prove your feelings by your actions.

You see this pattern?

Me telling you the things I don’t like very much about you and the very next moment appreciating what I completely love about you?

We have a weird relationship. You and I.

Now the “you” here is me.

It’s I, Me,  who has a weird relationship with myself.

And I don’t know me sometimes. I am not perfect and neither is my relationship with myself. But I’ve certainly learnt to see the good and the bad, both, in me. It’s not perfect, but I still do love it.

Is that okay?

I hope it is.

The Valentines Day Gift Guide

Gift #1. Communication.

Communicate how you feel on a daily basis. Even though you are not the kind of person who's good at expression. Let them feel at least once a day that they hold a significant place in your life and you trust them enough to share your vulnerabilities and have then share theirs. Try and be vocal. Appreciate their mind. Appreciate their body. And let them know you're grateful to be a part of their life. 

Gift #2. Support

Be supportive of their dreams and passions and goals. Believe in them when they don't believe in themselves. This means more to people than they can express. Be their shoulder to cry on and the person they first come running to, to share their happiness with. Also, know that sometimes just your presence is enough support.

So, just be.

Gift #3. Trust

Letting someone know you trust them is a gift in itself. Being trusted is beautiful. Trust their decisions. Trust their visions for the future. 

And with your trust in them, help them trust themselves again. And no, we're not talking about blind trust here.

Suggest, help, scold and advice them in the times they need you and then let them know you still trust them.

Gift #4. Honesty

Honesty is the best policy. Pretty good advice for every relationship. Especially romantic relationships. You owe honesty to the person who invests time and effort into building a relationship with you. Nobody likes playing darts in the dark and not knowing what they're getting into. Let them know what they mean, how much value they hold for you. Let them know, honestly.

Gift #5. Let them be

I think it's almost criminal to try and modify a person to suit your requirements. If the person you're about to get involved with doesn't have what you need from a partner, don't get involved in the first place. 

Let your partner be their true self. How they were born. Let them have their freedom. Their freedom to choose and make decisions. Let them be crazy in their own way. And if crazy is not for you, step away.

The least you could do for the person you love is, let them be. Let them be themselves. They've got just one life, like you do.

Gift #6. Travel

Travel together. Explore places and plan fun adventures. Get to know their fears and learn how to calm them. Learn what they enjoy.

Beaches or mountains.

Summers or winters.

Observe how they behave around people other than you.

Notice their little mannerisms and habits and let them know what you love. Try different cuisines. Hog together. And tick things off your combined bucket lists together. 

Gift #7. Space

Give them space. Nobody is obliged to constantly enjoy company. You both are not obliged to do everything together under the "committed" tag. Let them hang out with their friends and people you don't necessarily know. 

There is a thin line between being concerned and protective and being possessive and overpowering someone's life. 

It is absolutely possible to be committed and have two separate lives that satisfy your vision of the life you want. 

Acceptance is the key. Acceptance of their wishes and a life they imagine for themselves.

Looking For Humans

I’ve been meaning to write this for quite a while now but every time I got to writing it, I left it midway thinking I was getting too carried away with emotions.

This time I wouldn’t beat around the bush and conceal those emotions because,

If the image of a father carrying the dead bodies of his little kids covered in debris doesn’t deserve being carried away,

If the parents who only wanted a safe environment for their kids to make through life lose their 3 year old Aylan and the world finds him lying lifeless on a sea shore, doesn’t deserve being carried away,

If the genocides in which people are burnt alive to ashes, doesn’t deserve being carried away,

And

If the video of a child with a bleeding head, crying his eyes out and shivering in fear saying he was going to complain about the world to his God, doesn’t deserve being carried away,

Then I guess it’s a shame to be called a part of the human race because there is no human left anymore.

I know the world is more complicated than my eyes can see and my brain can fathom,

But when did it get easier to take lives than make a settlement?

When did it become acceptable to burn people before they were dead?

When did egos get bigger than providing a little place for the ones who’ve lost their homes?

I know my knowledge of the world and its problems and solutions is naive up to the point of being laughable.

But when and how did lives become so unimportant and so inexpensive?

When did murder become normal?

When did death lose its ability to tug at your heart and make it cry?

In fact when did our hearts become good for nothing, except pumping blood?

When did sympathy and empathy become nothing but two meaningless words?

And

When did we reach a point where you needed to look for a human WITH humanity among a population of 7 billion?

The Flummox

Staring into the distance from these huge windows feeling slightly chilly on this rainy day, with goosebumps beginning to appear on my hands, I'm asked if I'd like some coffee ?

Who doesn't want to look all dramatically pretentious looking at the rain with a cup of coffee and thinking about life ?

So today my topic to apparently think deeply on would be, 'what would life be like if life wasn't the life I was leading ?

I wouldn't be surprised if I wasn't making sense.

What if life was something else ?

Maybe something cooler or darker or maybe cooler and darker at the same time.
Here's where we pretend to not be satisfied with the life we lead or else how would we look into other options.

I burn my lip and think about the impracticality of sipping this stupid hot coffee. Yes, I'm blaming the coffee and calling it stupid.

Also just FYI, my brain is a wanderer. And it randomly takes a stop on me wondering,
What advantage does being practical always and thinking from the head have, over acquiring  the impulsive happiness following your heart was supposed to bring ?
Would practicality and impulsiveness ever shake hands to friendship ?

What about the apparent freedom I might find in a nomadic life if I nurture the seed of impulsiveness with caring a little less and letting go ?
Or rather be an obedient mistress to practicality which shoved reality checks down my throat and be a happy whore to stability ?

Practicality was just too convincing, man. Its making me greedy with the bribe of victory touching my feet .

Chuck it. I'll just toss greed into the trash can, like it was as easy as it was to say, and go sleep beside tranquillity brushing my hair taking me into a satisfied, peaceful oblivion. I think it was drugging me.

Where am I ? Where was I again ?

I close my eyes but my brain isn't ready to cooperate. We go back to thinking about the adrenaline rush of seeing the unpredictability of life unfold. It's like a new life being born out of the previous one. Exciting stuff.
Damn you, brain. Don't make me cheat on tranquillity and be a shitty ex.

Have I gone too far and gotten too carried away by rains and coffee ?
Wait, can I just blow everything to smithereens and have the best of both worlds ? Pretty please.
I think I might have misused my privilege of even having a brain to imagine the lives I didn't lead or a combination of the best ones I could think of.

So, will contentment ever show up on my door one day and give me a tight hug that fills my heart to the brim,
Or
Will I just have to make peace with the fact that the grass was green on my side too but maybe, just maybe, on the other side it'll always be fresher with crystal looking dew drops ? 

I really want to... would you like to ?

I want to wear pyjamas and talk about how the oldest of them are the most comfortable.
I want to climb up the terrace scared of the darkness but elated by the glittering stars and the chilly winds.
I want to talk about how we unknowingly matched our steps while climbing up here and how we pulled our sweaters closer as the breeze hit our faces and tightened our grips around our cups of hot chocolate.
I want to sip on it while I look at the sky in awe of the amount of beauty it holds, which is just the beginning of the melting pot that this world is.
I want to discuss about  how people think the ones who die become stars.
I want to mindlessly banter about how a star that's itself, falling, would fulfil our wishes.
I think I'd also like to take a moment here and appreciate how good the hot chocolate is. And while the steam from it warms my face,
I want to think how peaceful the city looks at night. Its equally quiet and empty in the mornings, but the nights for sure, do hold some magic!
I want to laugh about how we'd freak out if a bat flew over us in this dark night only lit by the moon. I, now, thinking about the moon, would love to acknowledge the privileges the moon has, of showing up full when it looks its best and shows only parts of it on other days.
I don't want to think about the sciences here for a while. It's beautiful to be able to perceive the world differently.
I want to bicker about how I told we'd need a blanket and you did not agree.
I'd love to talk about the freedom nights make you feel. And how would it be to feel this way every day of your life.
I think this diverts us to the pros and cons of having freedom and being protected.
I want us to talk about the responsibilities freedom brings with it.
In the midst of this, I
want to clear the dust off my pyjamas so that it flies in your face and we'd argue a little and laugh a lot, in hushed voices.
I am blown away about how many emotions we have.

I want to know how some people conceal their emotions while some highlight them so effortlessly.
I want to crack some ant-elephant jokes which will make us spit out our hot chocolate because that's how lame our humour is.
I want to end the night wishing there was some more hot chocolate, to keep us warm, while we go from topic-to-topic and talk about almost everything under the stars.

I really want to...would you like to ?

Star Gazing

You loved sitting in our front yard and star gazing.
So much so that, you had made it our weekend night ritual.
It's been years since we do this,
And I've never understood what made you so happy to look at the stars.
This time, I decided to focus and find out why star gazing never felt like something new to me.
It was always too familiar. Almost like a déjà vu.
It felt like the kind of happiness I've already felt before.
Like I've looked at something so beautifully bright too.
Like I've already seen a dark sea with glistening objects, 
And then there's one out of it that's my favourite.
To let you know how I felt, I turned to you.
And this time, it was all clear in a second,
When I saw your beautiful face smiling the gorgeous smile of yours, gazing at the stars.
You were the happiness and the beautiful brightness.
You were the favourite in this dark sea.
You were my Star. All the time.
And that's the reason, gazing at these stars was never new to me.

The teachings of a Butterfly

I was reading Em and the big Hoom,
when I came upon a sentence that read
"A butterfly is banging on the windowpane
and I must now rise to let it out."
This reminded me of the numerous times
I'd observed this and how I'd always thought
about how stupid could the insect be
to not remember the little opening,
where the two windows merge,
from where it came inside, which was
hardly 2 centimetres away from
where it was struggling.
How could it not see the opening or
feel the faint incoming of wind ?
I don't know if it was the effect
this book with red and blue pages had on me
that I read all the sentences
with a different perspective.
I have a thing for pretty books. Or
is it the fact that this book was darkly funny
and about mental illness that made me think so deeply
upon a mere butterfly banging on a window.
How did I ever have the audacity to call
this insect stupid when all of us are in fact
almost always trapped in a viscous spiral
we got ourselves into ? We're the human race,
apparently, pretentiously, with the
highest amount of intelligence that any
species on this planet owns. And still,
how do we not figure out what got us where
and what harm are we doing to ourselves ?
The problems we tend to have.
The hurdles we tend to never be able to cross.
And the one's we label as unsolvable.
How do WE not see the acts that landed
us in this Gordian knot and how do WE not feel
the faint incoming of a panacea to all our problems,
which could always be right there and always had a
blind eye turned towards it ? Why did i think I belonged
to the greater, intelligent species when in fact
 I just belong to a larger, genetically evolved species?
I'm sorry, you little butterfly. Next time you're stuck,
I'd rise up and let you out of your little trap instead
of questioning your intelligence. Because,
if I was ever stuck I'd genuinely appreciate
help getting out of it, without being judged.